Promptly at 10:43 a.m. Rudy threw back the flap from his teepee and burst forth before the crowd. He felt woozy at first, with their faces swimming before his eyes like the strange fish he’d seen in an aquarium at a Chinese restaurant once, until out of this swirling milieu Rudy recognized Pinky the Cat giving herself a morning bath. This familiar and happy sight brought him around, and he took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was for her as much as anyone.
            There were three people that made up the crowd assembled there in the yard and Rudy observed with satisfaction that all of them were from the local media. There was a budding young reporter from the local high school newspaper, holding a spiral notebook and nibbling on the eraser of her pencil; a plucked, powdered, and primped young lady from the local TV news channel who was busy with a pocket mirror and a tube of lipstick; and finally her plump and goateed cameraman sipping from a large cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. Rudy stepped around Patriot Storm and up to a podium he’d tacked together out of old wooden fruit boxes, cleared his throat, and thanked them all for coming. As he did so the young fingers of the high school reporter wrapped about her pencil and held it poised over the notebook, the lady reporter from the TV station put her things away, cocked her head slightly and flashed Rudy a brilliant smile, and the cameraman set his coffee down and with a flip of a switch got the red light blinking and the camera rolling.
            “My fellow patriots,” Rudy began, “my name is Rudy J. Swingle and I’m here today to warn you that the America you and I love is in grave danger. At this very moment our great nation is teeter-tottering on a precipice with danger lurking everywhere below, and not just from evil terrorists and so-called rogue regimes either, but from something far worse—our very selves! If you’ve been paying attention then you already know that our proud country is in the midst of a crisis of consumer confidence, and it’s being in this midst of a crisis that’s the crux of the whole problem, for across America, in home after home, citizen consumers are losing their happy-go-lucky attitudes and cashing in, rolling over, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, going to seed, spending less, trying to get a bigger bang out of their bucks, and finally, sadly, cutting up their credit cards, little realizing the grievous injury they’re doing to their beloved homeland.
            “Day after day, economic reports come in detailing this catastrophe. Think tanks, bureaucrats, economic wizards, corporate CEO’s, our elected representatives, even the President himself, are all working overtime to stem this terrible tide by lowering interest rates, offering new and better buying incentives, passing economic stimulus packages, and making sure enticing products are readily available for us to purchase, yet their efforts and promptings go largely unheeded and consumers remain locked behind their doors fearfully clutching their purses!
            “Now while this may not sound like much to you, it’s the key to the whole ball of wax because the simple fact is that we live in a consumer culture where more than two-thirds of our economy is based on all of us buying a lot of stuff all the time and if we ever fail in carrying out this sacred duty our economy will collapse and America will go the way of the dodo, which was a large, flightless bird that people gobbled off the face of the earth! So listen up! Because the only sure-fire way for us to avoid that sorry fate is if we always, always, ALWAYS remain confident in the economy! And why? Because as confident consumers we spend more freely and buy more things and when we do our economy surges ahead and our country becomes more secure, and when we lose confidence we don’t buy as much stuff and consumption goes down and our economy flounders and our nation shakes to its very foundation! Think of America, my friends! Because what I’m talking about here is our national security and carrying forward into the future Our Way of Life, which is different from all other ways of life because it is the American way of life, meaning our natural way of happily and carelessly consuming the world’s resources as we see fit! My fellow patriots, don’t you see this is our destiny as a free people and our role to play in this great Cosmic Scene, and we’ve got to give her all we’ve got while we can! For it is we, it is us, it is I and it is you, and it is all of us pulling together as confident consumers that keeps America trucking along!
            “Now, I know there are those out there who will say nay to this. They are the nay-sayers of the world, and they threaten to topple this great nation of ours by saying ‘nay,’ always ‘nay’—‘nay’ to this, and ‘nay’ to that, ‘nay’ here and ‘nay’ there, indeed they say ‘nay’ everywhere! Even in America there are those among us who say ‘nay,’ exercising their right to free speech as American citizens to say ‘nay,’ unaware that by doing so they’re upsetting the apple cart of our future! I ask you, my fellow Patriots, are we going to let them get away with this nay-saying of Our Way of Life? I don’t think so, not while I’m around anyway, for while they may say ‘nay,’ I promise you that Rudy J. Swingle will always say ‘yay!’”

Preview 3/Chapter 14: Rudys Speech
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More sensational reviews for Rudy Can’t Fail by W. Dipper:

“Rudy was right, clearly and SPECTACULARLY so, about the one big thing, the BIGGEST of them all: consumers and the threat their apathy poses to the United States.”
Business Weekly

“Powerful, ORIGINAL…an ANTIDOTE to the desperate anti-materialistic, conservation movement that’s poisoning our democracy.” —William H. Buckley

“BRILLIANT! Dipper achieves a special tension, too rare in books but essential in EPIC poetry: the drama of a HERO who is wrestling with his demons, his frightful limitations and his fate to achieve something truly lasting…In his hands, Rudy’s fight over the heart of the American consumer becomes nothing less than a battle for the SOUL of America!”
— Geneva Banks, Publishers Daily

“Talk about some WILD times! Rudy Can't Fail reads like Econ 101 on LSD!”— Alan Greenspin

“Ein FASZINIERENDES Buch ubre die verrückte amerikaischen Wirtschaft! Diese gierigen Bastarde sind völlig UNVERANTWORTLICH!” — Deutsche Zeitungenen

“Highly recommended, even INDISPENSABLE.”
—Dayton Moonjoy, Harvard School of Economicals

“Rudy Can’t Fail articulates the dangers and absurdities of our economy so fiercely and so FEARLESSLY that I felt relieved as I read it, vindicated, almost personally understood…Dipper writes what many of us think, but few are willing to say!”
— Burton Rodgers

“This book will strike a chord with anyone who has ever pondered the IRRATIONALITY of our religious faith in our economic system!” — The Economiser Plus

“Dipper’s immersion in Rudy yields a fascinating, ENTERTAINING abundance…Rudy Can’t Fail splendidly reassembles the heady days of The Operation American Freedom Tour!” — The Mailman Tribune

“Rudy ni mmoja wa Marekani fucking crazy! KICHWA KWA MILIMA!” — Afrika Duniani

“INSPIRING! An essential read for every true-blooded American!” — The National Standard-Bearer

“A FASCINATING book that makes you see the world in a different way!”
— Fortune Digest

“As a consumer how-to, Rudy Can’t Fail is truly superior, brimming with new ideas on the science of manipulation!”
Consumer Weekly

“A wonderful PAGE-TURNER about…that little-understood phenomenon, the economy.” — Daily Telegrapher

“Correctly applied, Rudy’s astonishingly SIMPLE theories could be used to run the economy more effectively, and perhaps most important, to alter human behavior.”
— Leonard Tapper, Roosevelt Elementary School

“Dipper’s style, HUMOR, and narrative gift elevate Rudy Can’t Fail well above the mere biography…He takes Rudy’s story, visions, observations, and ANGST and weaves them all together seamlessly as they happen! Bless you Dipper and thanks Rudy!” — Lady’s Home Journal

“Who knew reading about the economy could be so much FUN!”— The Economiser

“A vacuum with wheels makes you go back and forth…Rudy’s story doesn’t, it just keeps on ROLLING!”
— Aloha Abe, This Sunshine’s For You

“ACEREBRAL, limaceous, paranomasiac!”
— DEEP Think Tank, Washington D.C.